[Heavenly Marketing Department]
Ides of March, One Year Before the Christian Era
Archangel:
You’ve got to change your image. Everyone thinks you’re a mischievous trickster or an angry jealous beast. You’re down 60 points in the polls.
Yahweh:
Let’s bring in another world empire to oppress the Jews. I’ll step in, save them, and bingo, everyone will see me as a heroic savior.
Archangel:
Ahhhh, sorry Lord, but that’s kind of passé. We need something on a grand scale, with more pizzazz. [hands thrown out to the sides with ‘spirit fingers’]
External Market Consultant [EMC]:
We need something with a big story arc. Something people can get behind and support throughout the ages.
Yahweh:
Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. No more of this bad press. Too many cities have been annihilated. People are tired of it. They don’t even listen to the prophets anymore, bozos.
EMC:
I recommend an image change. You know, create a kinder, gentler Yahweh, maybe even a name change so you can reinvent yourself.
Archangel:
Hey, what if we dumped the Jews and started something new and different?
Yahweh:
[frowning]
No, I think we need to keep them involved. I did adopt them after all.
EMC:
That’s it! Everyone loves a baby.
Yahweh:
Where are you going with this…?
EMC:
You need to have a baby.
Yahweh:
[deeply furrowed brow]
I’m not having any baby. [Giving an involuntary shiver, mutters:] Dude, that curse on Eve looks like it hurts, and messsssy. [Another larger involuntary shiver]
EMC:
[Under his breath]
Heaven knows you’ve made a few messes.
Yahweh:
[thunderously]
What was that Gabriel?
[Silence, archangel steps away from EMC]
Yahweh:
That’s what I thought. Don’t forget what I did to Lucifer after that Garden of Eden disaster. [muttering again with a whiny and mocking tone] One simple rule will prove how much they love me, [rumbling voice] my ass.
EMC:
It won’t hurt at all. We’ll get a woman to be a surrogate for you.
Yahweh:
Hmm, the son of god. [rubbing his beard and nodding]
Archangel:
It’ll be a marketing coup d’état. You’ll take back market share in all sectors.
Yahweh: [one eye slightly closed, other brow raised, shrewd voice]
Won’t I be creating my own competition?
EMC:
That’s the beauty of the whole thing; it’ll be you.
Yahweh:
Go do a business case and bring me a presentation.
INTERLUDE
Yahweh:
[clapping his hands and rubbing them together]
Okay guys, what have you got for me?
[The lights dim, a heavenly projection unit comes on.]
EMC:
According to our market research this is how people perceive your current brand image:
• Fickle and unpredictable
• Barbaric
• Jealous
• Mean-spirited or liable to strike someone dead
• Stand-offish
• Dangerous to cross
[Yahweh grouses]
Your current polling isn’t good either:
• Down in the polls
• Way down in the polls
Yahweh:
I’ll just strike ’em all dead and start over. It’s not like I haven’t done it before.
EMC:
Next slide!
[Slide comes up: The Pitch]
We recommend a total image change:
• Your kingdom is coming and it’s going to be great
• We’ll announce it with lights in the sky, heavenly music, great gifts, and a spectacular supporting cast
You’ll be seen as:
• A loving father who accepts everyone who will trust you
• A peace-loving family man – everyone’s sweet grandpa
• The benevolent conveyor of fulfillment, purpose, and unconditional love
We’ll bring the Jews back in at the end and give them prominent positions
[Yahweh smiles and perks up.]
We’ve saved the best for last. You’ll get to have a big finish. Next slide!
• You get to personally wipe out all of your enemies
• You ultimately set up your kingdom on earth and rule all the people who love you
Yahweh:
Have you floated this to see if it holds water?
EMC:
Focus Group response has been great. If we move now, we can steal Saturnalia and pick up a few followers.
[Yahweh looks excited]
EMC:
We can acquire a few other religions and sects along the way. We project growth to spike strongly for a couple hundred years and then to be steady for several thousand after that.
Yahweh:
And what about the woman?
EMC:
Oiye, have we got a woman for you.
[Image of a beautiful young virgin flashes on the clouds]
Yahweh:
Okay, let’s do it. Gabriel, this is on you. [voice turns to a growl] Don’t screw it up.
INTERLUDE
Gabriel:
[wings fluttering loudly, swoops to the ground suddenly like a giant raptor landing right in front of Mary]
Hail lady who is highly esteemed of the Lord!
Mary:
[jumps back scared stiff]
Jesus Christ!! [swings her water bucket and plants it firmly against Gabriel’s head]
Gabriel:
[stumbles back and clutches his head]
Holy donkey dung! What’d you do that for?
Mary:
[holding the bucket ready for a second shot]
That’s how my dad taught me to deal with strange men dropping out of the sky in front of me.
Gabriel:
[rubs his head, grumbling]
I am Gabriel who stands before the Lord.
Mary:
What do you want?
Gabriel:
Yahweh has noticed you and wants you to have his child. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Joshua. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most-High.
Mary:
[stepping back]
Are you crazy? I’m a virgin. I’m a good girl.
Gabriel:
He’ll cover the expenses and guarantee you a prominent role in his kingdom.
Mary:
I’m not sure. You know Joe has been struggling with his business.
Gabriel:
We’ll grow your fiancée’s business and make sure he’s a success.
Mary:
“I am the Lord’s servant. May it be to me as you have said.”
[Gabriel flies away, loud thwapping of wings]
INTERLUDE
Back in heaven …
Gabriel to the archangel:
Everything is on track, but the husband might be a problem.
Archangel:
Don’t let him screw this up. Remember what happened to Lucifer. We’ve got support at the highest level; use it.
Gabriel:
Yes sir, I’ll make him a dream offer that he can’t refuse.
INTERLUDE
Narrator:
Mary was betrothed to Joseph, but before the big day he found out she was crazy. She claimed to be pregnant by Yahweh. Now Joseph was a good guy but not stupid. He decided to break it off with Mary. Since she was deranged everyone would understand. He’d keep it on the down-low hoping to hold the nasty rumors to a minimum. After all, it would be bad for business if people found out his fiancée had cheated on him claiming that god was the father of her unborn child. That very night an angel appeared to him in a dream.
Gabriel:
Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Joshua.
Joseph:
[laughing heartily, then thumping Gabriel in the chest]
Look, I’m not sure who you are, but I wasn’t born yesterday. You take her for a wife if she’s so great.
Gabriel:
Look Bud, you screw this up, and Yahweh will take a lot more than your foreskin. Got it?
Narrator:
When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife.
INTERLUDE
Narrator:
Nine months later …
[Major party noises throughout heaven]
Archangel:
[swatting streamers and yelling over the tumult]
Congratulations! You’re your own father.
[Yahweh alternately cooing and kvetching]
Gabriel:
This is going to be great, just wait. This is what is going to vault you into a top-three position in the polls.
Archangel:
Remember this repositions the brand. You’re now a benevolent king, bringing unconditional love and blessing to all who will trust you.
Yahweh:
Did he have to be born in a barn? Can’t we get some of this celebration going down there?
Gabriel:
Yes sir, right away. [turning to subordinates] Cue the angelic choir and the Magi.
Yahweh:
How long before I can wipe out my enemies and take back over from the kid?
[Yahweh listens and kvetches]
Yahweh:
What do you mean I need to let the humans run the religion for a while?
[Curtain Down]
Circa 2008